Christmas in London
by Greenholly
Summary: Remus was staring at the lighted window on the fourth floor. A window that only meant one thing: that Molly was right and Tonks was home alone on Christmas. HBP missing moment.


I own nothing.

Reviews always welcome.

* * *

Snowflakes danced in the chill night air, the orange streetlamp casting warm, familiar light over the street newly covered in white. Remus Lupin stood in the cold, his coat wrapped tightly around him. He was staring at the building across the street, more specifically, at the lighted window on the fourth floor. A window that only meant one thing: that Molly was right and Tonks was home alone on Christmas.

As he stood on the street, his boots slowly getting covered by snow, Remus imagined all of the possibilities before him. He could walk away, apparate and no one would ever know he was here. But that would mean leaving Tonks to spend Christmas alone. His gut twisted in guilt at the thought of it. The other option would be to go up, knock on her door and spend Christmas with her. And that would mean the constant pain of being near her without being able to kiss her or hold her or... Remus shook his head. He hadn't even seen her yet and all he could do was think about how much he wanted her. He focused on his choices once again, guilt or pain, keeping in mind that one of them meant Tonks spending Christmas alone and him spending Christmas awake and guilty in his bed back at the Burrow. It looked as though pain had won this time.

Remus walked up the stairs of the apartment building and scrolled down the list of names and buttons for the intercom and eventually pushed the button next to the name N. Tonks. Remus blew hot air into his hands and rubbed them together waiting for the intercom to burst into life. A minute of silence. Two minutes. Three minutes.

Remus left the doorway and walked back onto the street, glancing up at Tonks' window. The light was on, why wasn't she answering the intercom? He walked back to the doorway and pressed the button again. One minute. Two minutes. Three minutes. Four min- Something was wrong. Remus' heart was pounding in fright. Quickly he looked up and down the street to see if anyone was watching, but the streets were deserted. He drew out his wand.

"Alohomora." He whispered pointing his wand at the lock. His throat tight with fear.

The door swung open and Remus took the stairs two at a time, running up to the fourth floor with his wand drawn. With each pound of his foot against a step he could see an image of Tonks injured, Tonks driven mad, Tonks murdered.

He was slightly out of breath when he came to the fourth floor but as determined and as terrified as he had ever been in his life. Her door was ajar. Remus held his breath, horrified of what he might find when he walked through that doorway. His ears were straining to hear a sound, any sound.

Nothing.

He pushed the door the rest of the way open with his wand, cautiously, slowly and peered into the apartment.

Nothing looked wrong, nothing looked amiss. Everything was like the first time he had been there. The fire was lit and crackling, the various barstools that Tonks collected were sitting patiently at her kitchen counter. The framed pictures of her family and various odd knick-knacks were undisturbed. Tonks' apartment was cleaner than Remus would have expected when he first met the young auror, and more conventional. The rug was an off-white, the couch, with its back toward the door, was a spring green with hot pink and white flowers. The armchair was the overly poofy kind that allowed an adequate amount of comfort when you sat in it. The doors to the bedroom and bathroom were closed at present. And an unnatural silence hung over the entire room.

Remus wasn't feeling any better looking at the seemingly peaceful room. Why were the lights on? Could she have gone out quickly and forgot to turn them off? Could she have been kidnapped? The wolf in him picked up on something. The scent, her scent. She was here, but where was she?

He walked further into the room, looking around frantically until he reached the edge of the couch and peered over onto the carpet in front of the fireplace.

There lay Tonks, crumpled on the floor.

Lupin's heart felt as if it were about to explode. In a second he was on his knees beside her, lifting her head and torso off the ground and trying to feel her pulse in her neck.

"Tonks! Tonks!" his voice was hoarse with fear. It was almost painful to yell her name. "Nymphadora! Wake up! Oh God! Please wake up!"

"Remus?" Tonks stirred and Remus let out a breath of relief. He felt a few tears sting at the corners of his eyes and quickly blinked them away. He wouldn't allow himself to cry but he did allow himself to hold her tight, safe in his arms, for a moment, his lips pressed against her hair, and said a prayer of gratitude to any higher power that happened to be listening.

He pulled away from her somewhat reluctantly, keeping his hands on her shoulders he peered into Tonks' confused, pale face.

"Are you alright?"

"What happened? Why are you here?" She looked around in a daze. "Why are we on the floor?"

" I came in and found you like this. Did you trip?" It was a logical suggestion, after watching her seemingly endless parade of near misses Remus wondered how she stayed upright at all.

She gave a mirthless laugh. "No, I try to keep my pad free of things I can trip on." She pressed a hand to her head and closed her eyes. "I just remember felling so tired and so... drained."

"What have you eaten today?"

"Eaten?" She looked at him as though the concept was completely foreign to her.

"You fainted! Tonks how could you be so careless?"

"Quite simple really." She said wryly. "Honestly Remus I just forgot to eat, I've been working so hard." She made a pitiful attempt to get herself onto the couch. Lupin reached out his hand to help her.

"Your door was open! No protective spells of any kind to defend you against anyone. What if some Deatheater had just barged in here and..." The possibilities of what might have happened turned Lupin insides to ice.

"Good thing you barged in instead." Tonks said and flashed him the first genuine smile of the night. He realized just then how close they were to each other. He was at eye level with her, unable to look away. He felt the warmth of her hand still resting on his arm.

"I'll fix you some food." Lupin said, suddenly feeling uncomfortable. He rose up from where he was kneeling and felt his knees ache, apparently he was older than he thought he was. Usually being around Tonks made him feel younger, more lighthearted and hopeful, just one look at her brilliant smile was enough to keep him happy for days. Now, seeing her like this, so pale, so wan, so miserable, made every part of him feel like it was weighed down with lead. He walked over to the other side of the room, which had a counter with several different barstools and on the other side a kitchen. Remus was grateful that he could cook and still watch her and talk to her, make sure she didn't faint again.

"Do you want anything particular for your Christmas dinner?" he asked.

"Anything that takes the fastest time to cook... Can you believe it?" she asked "I almost forgot it was Christmas. I used to love this time of year, I used to think that anything was possible. I used to think that no one could be sad or lonely or hungry."

"And now?"

"Now everything's changed. We're in the middle of a war. Everything's so terrifying and dark and..." she paused while she searched for the right word "ominous. Molly's clock has got it right, there's no time when any of us aren't in danger. I mean, You-Know-Who hardly takes Christmas off."

"Why aren't you with your family?" Remus asked, rummaging through the drawers for something to make.

"Mom and Dad went on holiday. They were married round this time of year so they decided to take a second honeymoon. You know, before things become difficult."

Lupin nodded in agreement, he knew exactly what she was talking about. People wanted to relax and be happy while they still could, before the fear of You-Know-Who took over their lives. He opened one of the cupboards and found a box of pasta. He took down a pot hanging over the stove, deftly filled it and set it down on one of the burners. A flick of his wand and the water was boiling, Remus poured the pasta in and set a timer for ten minutes.

He debated leaving the shelter of the kitchen for a moment before deciding to walk back into the living room. He sat down in a comfy chair across from where Tonks was half-lying, half-sitting. He looked at her and frowned.

"Why didn't you go to the Burrow for Christmas? I'm sure Molly and Arthur would have been happy to have you."

"I didn't want to..."

"Didn't want to what?"

"Well, I didn't want to run into you."

Lupin felt as if he had been stunned. "If you'd like me to leave..."

"No!" She cried and Lupin could feel hope straining in his chest. "No, I just didn't want Molly making all of her stupid hints and trying to pressure you into anything or..." She sat up a little straighter with a new revelation. "Did she tell you to come here?"

"No." he said and after a small pause, "She did mention that you were spending Christmas alone and I thought..."

"You thought?"

"No one should have to spend Christmas alone." Lupin finished quietly.

"No one should have to be alone, period." Tonks muttered, with her arms crossed in front of her.

"Don't do this, Tonks. Don't make this more difficult than it already is."

"Why does it have to be difficult?" She said, exasperated. Her arms uncrossed and lay pathetically at her sides. "I love you and there's nothing more to it than that."

"You don't love me."

"Yes I do."

"You can't love me."

"Oh really?" she said, as if Lupin's last statement was a challenge. "Why not?"

"Because."

"Brilliant response professor." Said Tonks, half-amused and half-frustrated.

"You don't get it do you?" Lupin asked, his anger flaring momentarily.

"No! I don't get it Remus! I don't! I wish I did!" Tonks sounded close to tears. Lupin willed himself to calm down. He took a deep breath.

"I'm not right for you."

He wasn't. Lupin knew he wasn't right for Tonks. He couldn't let her share in all of his problems. She was young and bright and untainted, she might think that she loved him, but there was no way that a woman like her would want someone so old and haggard and foul. If he was weaker, he would respond to her advances and let himself be happy for awhile, with Tonks beside him. But then, one morning, she would wake up next to him and realize what a mistake she'd made. Her nose would wrinkle slightly in disgust and she would leave him. And he wouldn't be able to stand that. Soon she would get over this infatuation and he wouldn't have to live with the pain of turning her down when all he wanted to do was say yes.

"Am I right for you?" Tonks' asked in a small, sad voice.

The simple but completely unexpected question completely took Remus out of his head and caused him to focus on the wan, sad, yet still pretty face before him.

Was she right for him? Oh God, absolutely. Before Sirius died, before Remus had gone out on his mission for Dumbledore, before he had found out that Nymphadora had feelings for him and complicated everything in his life, he found her to be the sole subject matter of his thoughts. He couldn't explain it, and for once in his life, Remus didn't want to explain it. He was content with the knowledge that for some reason or another, Nymphadora Tonks made him insanely happy. Just the sight of her was enough to keep his heart warm for an entire week. Her smile made him want to do something, to be alive, to run up a hill or howl or kiss her. And when they spoke... that was heaven. He tried to keep it in until he was safe and alone in his own room, but once he was there, he sat, smiling for hours, too ecstatic to fall asleep, but instead cataloguing every bit of what they had said in his memory.

He didn't know what it was that made him so happy, she wasn't the type of women that Remus had found himself idly admiring over the years. Those women were refined, intellectual, reserved. In one word, they were librarians. But Tonks, she was something else. She was bright and fresh and bubbling with life. The fact that she didn't know how much she meant to him made Remus feel uneasy and slightly sick. In that moment, he wanted to tell her everything.

"I..."

The ring of the timer in the kitchen made both of them jump.

"Pasta's done." Said Remus, rising from the chair. "Where's your strainer?"

"Second drawer on the left, nearest the stove. Remus -"

"Do you prefer it with butter?"

"Yes, lots. Remus -"

"Cheese?"

"No. I -"

"Sauce?"

"No. Just butter and pepper. Now -"

"Pepper?"

"Yes, pepper. Remus -"

"Something to drink?"

"Ginger ale. And would you please just answer the question and stop interrupting me!" Her voice wasn't angry, just exhausted, "I need to know. I mean, there have been all these bloody little hints and all but if this, whatever it is that we have, is one-sided then I promise I'll stop right now."

Remus sighed. He knew she wanted an answer to her question, but he didn't know how to answer. He didn't want to lie to her, especially not after hearing the waiver in her voice as she had asked him. But if he told her that he did have feelings for her, it would only cause her to fight harder, which meant that he had to fight harder to keep her away. And he was so tired of fighting, so tired of tearing his own heart apart.

With a flash of hope, something registered in Lupin's memory, his conversation with Harry earlier that evening. He finished preparing Tonks' meal and brought it out to her on the couch.

"Here you are."

"Thank you." She said.

It was good to see her eat, twirling the long stings of the vermicelli around her fork and shoving them un-decorously into her mouth. She gave him a look, as if to say _Well?_

"Is it true that your Patronus changed?" The question tore out of Remus before he could stop it.

Tonks had the decency to look embarrassed even with her mouth stuffed with pasta. She chewed for a little while and swallowed.

"Yes."

"And it's..." Remus was suddenly uncomfortable. Harry had described the Patronus as being big and having four legs, it wasn't really much to go on. But he had hoped for a second...

"It's you." Said Tonks simply.

"Oh." Remus looked down at his hands, clasped together in his lap, he had been squeezing them together without realizing in and now, when he separated them and curled and uncurled his long fingers, they were sore. As much as he tried to quell it, he felt a small seed of hope stir inside of him. What if this entire time, he had been wrong? What if she really loved him as much as he loved her? The emotion needed to change a Patronus had to be rooted very deep, so deep that it was actually a part of who you were.

"You still haven't answered my question." Tonks reminded kindly.

"I know. I just needed to... I mean, I..." _Well, this is getting off to a great start, _thought Lupin woefully. He took a deep breath. "If I were in the position to be involved with someone, I believe that it would be with a person not unlike you."

"A yes would have done just fine." She said and smiled gently. "This is good." She said, taking another bite. Remus watched her eat in silence. She only ate half of the plate however before putting down her fork.

"I'll save this for tomorrow." She said, getting up and wobbling a little. Remus rose to his feet.

"I can do it." Tonks said defiantly.

"The floor is harder in the kitchen." Said Lupin with a small smile, following her to her cupboard and watching as she took out a tupperware container and scraping the remaining pasta off of her plate.

"Here, let me help you with the dishes." Said Remus, as Tonks put the dirty plate and fork into her sink.

"No." she said, shaking her head emphatically. "You cooked me dinner, you're not allowed to do the dishes."

She abandoned the dishes where they were and slowly walked toward Remus.

"Thank you for coming over." She said, and slowly, as if she were waiting for him to object, very slowly she kissed him on the cheek. Remus closed his eyes and held his breath. Her soft lips against his skin was putting images in his head again. Images of kissing her properly, hungrily, feeling her body against his own, looking deep into her eyes and telling her that he loved her and she was the only person in the world that loved him and wanted him and he never wanted to let her go.

"I'd better get going then." He said, without moving. He didn't want to leave but if he stayed he would so something foolish, he just knew it.

"Remus?"

She was still very close to him, as close as she could be without actually touching him, her eyes gazing into his with a whole world of emotion behind them.

"I don't know why you're doing this. I can't understand why you're so bent on hurting yourself and hurting me. Or how you can think that you're not right for me when there's nobody else in the world who makes me half as happy as you make me."

She put her hands on his chest and stared up into his eyes.

"I would give anything in the world to make you realize that there is nothing that you could do to make me stop loving you."

Remus looked down at the woman standing so close to him in wonder and gratitude. This was the best Christmas present he ever could have gotten. He reached out and took hold of a little bit of her hair and just felt it between his fingers. He wanted something to weigh him down and keep him in this moment. He wanted to believe everything that Tonks had just said. That maybe, in spite of everything, there was a future for him and this beautiful woman.

He leaned down to kiss her when another image flashed before his eyes. Tonks lying on the floor of her apartment. But this time she hadn't fainted. She was dead and there was blood all over. Blood on her neck. Blood on the rug. Blood on his hands.

He pulled away from her with a harsh intake of breath. She looked up at him with sadness and bewilderment in her eyes.

"I cant." he said in a whisper. The two words breaking his heart.

"Remus, what –"

"I cant!" he said fiercely, turning away from Tonks and tearing through the door, closing it forcefully behind him.

Outside, once again, the cold gripped Lupin, who felt like he was getting doused with ice water. In the apartment he had let himself believe that there was a chance he could be happy. But now he knew he couldn't. He couldn't be with Tonks. He couldn't ever be with Tonks. He was a danger to her. Even if she truly loved him, it didn't make him any less of a werewolf and a threat to her safety. He glanced up at the window on the fourth floor one more time and whispered "Merry Christmas" before apparating into the night.


End file.
